


Why am I so broken?

by Multi_FandomWeirdo16



Category: Arrow (TV 2012), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-11 14:37:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11716416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Multi_FandomWeirdo16/pseuds/Multi_FandomWeirdo16
Summary: Savitar is gone, caitlin is coming home and Iris is safe, everything seems to be fine for team flash. Everyone is safe and the only issue they seem to be dealing with is the metahumans still roaming around, causing trouble. Everything is fine...or is it? Barry Allen is NOT fine, he is anything but. Will a certain green archer be able to fix one broken speedster?Possible Olivarry ahead. *SPOILERS FOR SEASON THREE*Beta'd by Kr1411





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: none of the characters belong to me, just the fanfiction plot itself, nothing canon is mine.

It was over. Savitar was gone, everything was going back to normal. No one else had died. But… despite this, Barry still felt empty. He had been feeling this way since… forever. Since his mom died, since his dad died. Since… Flashpoint. Since Finding out he was Savitar, not present him, but future him. He was the one who almost killed Iris, He was the one that did all of this. Every bit of this was his fault, all the deaths, all the destruction, he had been the cause of all of this...  
Flashpoint… those few months had changed him. Ever since then, everything had changed. He fixed that timeline, but not completely. Due to his mistakes, people kept dying, their lives kept messing up. Caitlin was right. Everything she had said under Killer Frost’s control was right.  
He was so busy letting his never ceasing dark thoughts run through his head he hadn’t heard Cisco call his name.  
“Hey! Barry, you okay dude?”  
Barry looked up and quickly faked a smile. Something he had become a pro at. “Yeah dude. I’m good. Just tired.” He lied.  
“I know what’ll cheer you up, How about coming with us for a celebration drink! I know you can’t get drunk but hey, the thought counts.” He smirked.  
Barry shook his head “Nah, I think I’m just gonna head on home, get some sleep, you guys go on out, You all did twice as much as I did. You all earned it.”  
This time Caitlin spoke up. “You sure? We can go to that bar and have another karaoke session?” The brunette said with a bright smile.  
“I’m sure, Night guys.” Barry said as team Flash headed out of the cortex. Barry waited until they left to sit back down in the spinny chair and held is face in his hands as the tears spilled down his cheeks and his thoughts began to drown him.

He listed out everything that had happened because of him.  
The particle accelerator explosion, that was future him’s fault. He pissed off Eobard Thawne and all of that shit happened because of him. All the people affected by the explosion was his fault. Ronnie’s death, his mom’s his dad’s, Eddie, Cisco’s brother, Caitlin’s powers, Wally’s powers…. All of it. He kept screwing up and everyone else had to clean up the pieces and fix his mess.

He had no control over his body as a broken sob tore from his throat before he got up and curled himself up into the corner of the room behind some equipment.  
His body shook with the force of his sobs. He was so broken, He had been broken for a long time and no matter how many forced smiles, no matter how many faked laughs or broken nights alone would make it any different.  
He know’s what someone will say if they found out.  
‘You should have told us.’  
Why though? He was suffering from his own mistakes, he had spent his whole life causing death and trauma for everyone, why would he once more add on his issues to their already full piles? He was so broken… so hurt, he didn’t fully remember why at times. 

But at the moment he didn’t care why he was so sad, so hurting inside. Because in his mind he always deserved whatever bad thing happened to him. He didn’t bother trying to get up. He just cried until he passed out from the sheer exhaustion crying caused him. He did this often, cried himself to sleep and usually woke up from a nightmare before anyone else made it to STAR labs and ran home, cleaned himself up and changed clothes and go to work like nothing happened. It was a pitiful routine but one he jad grown use to, one that had become natural to him. The faked smiles and laughs were never notoced by anyone else. Everyone else saw the same happy, childlike Barry that use to exist. Even his friends hadn't seen past his facade. He didn't care. He had stopped caring, stopped wishing for someone to notice his pain and help him a while ago. Now he suffered in silence, unable to feel much of anything anymore except for the pain and loneliness.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: none of the characters belong to me except the oc I plan on using in here.

Morning came and Barry had proceeded to go through with his morning routine, Run back to his apartment, get a shower, get dressed, eat one of those calorie bar things for breakfast and walk into the CCPD department late with the same fake smile he had been wearing for a while now.  
He was halfway up the staircase to his lab when Captain Singh’s voice spoke out.  
“Allen, you’re late. Again.” The annoyed reprimanding voice of his captain sounded out behind him.  
Barry sighed softly before putting one a small grin and turned, scratching the back of his head.  
“Sorry, my alarm clock stopped working.” He lied, he stopped trying with his excuses a while ago but he knew that his Captain would get that something was up with him the moment he stopped giving excuses, so he continued with their little game of ‘I fuss at you and you give an excuse and we’ll call it a day’

Captain singh sighed and turned to walk to his office “Get a new alarm clock Allen, and maybe set it at a time you can get ready and get over here without being late for once.” He finished as he disappeared from sight.  
Barry rolled his eyes and turned back to get to the lab.  
“Morning Julian.” He said with fake happiness and a wide smile which was only returned with a scowl and a roll of eyes.  
“Allen, you’re ability to be annoyingly happy is surprising, It’s a monday morning. Can you at least attempt to restrain yourself from making my head hurt worse.” The blonde spoke agitatedly with his british sounding accent as he went through his paperwork, marking things and writing random things down.  
Though Barry didn’t bother showing it, the man’s words added another ounce of hurt to his already heavy heart. But that was okay, he was use to the insults, he knew he deserved them.  
He just gave a soft sigh in response before working on speeding through his pile of paperwork.

While his hands used muscle memory to do his work, his mind moved somewhere else. Flashing back to when Caitlin had first been taken over by killer frost.

*Flashback*  
Barry stood beside Iris, Joe,H.R, and Cisco watching the cell that held their friend. Caitlin had just woken up.  
“Whew, guess I just needed a little nap. I’m feeling much better now. It’s okay, you can let me out. I’m not gonna hurt anybody.”  
She paused waiting for them to do so but when they all just stared back at her she let out a soft ‘hm.’  
“Guess you all are a lot smarter than I thought.” She spoke again, the echo of her voice having gave away most of the fact that Killer frost was still in control, not Caitlin Snow.  
She turned to Cisco and began to speak. “Ya know, that was some blast there Vibe boy. Kinda hurt.”

Cisco looked on with sympathy and concern, his eyes offering the pain he felt of having to use his powers on his friend.  
“I didn’t want to hurt you.” He spoke softly.  
“You’re pathetic.”  
This time, Barry spoke up. “Alchemy can’t help you, but we can. I promise.” He said hoping his voice sounded as comforting and concerned as he wanted it to be. But really, he was still feeling the sting from her previous verbal abuse back at the building Caitlin had taken Julian to.  
“Oh like you promised Eddie? And like you promised Ronnie? You know, for a hero flash, you sure let a lot of people around you die.”  
Another wound to his bleeding heart.  
Barry shoved that aside, he didn’t try to say she was wrong, he knew all too well that she was right. He was a shitty hero, hell, if he was honest with himself, he wasn’t a hero at all.  
He scratched the back of his head, resting his elbow on one of the pipes and looked away before looking back at Caitlin.  
“This isn’t you talking, it’s the powers. They’re messing with your mind. You’re sick.  
“I’m BROKEN Barry.” Caitlin hissed. “But what do you care? Cause you got Iris. You got your happy ending. Everyone else be damned.”  
NO! Barry wanted to scream. He didn’t mean for any of this to happen! He didn’t mean to hurt everyone. He...He just wanted his mom back… He had just watched his father be murdered right in front of him, He was all alone. He had no family left. He just wanted to have a parent, was that so wrong of him?  
“I’ll tell you what. You guys, let me go. And I will leave you to your sad and miserable lives.”  
“No.” Barry said looking at Caitlin, Feeling his guilt rise. “We’re not abandoning you.”  
“YOU DID THIS TO ME!” Caitlin hissed. Barry closed the hatch to the pipeline and turned to face the others.  
Barry didn’t want to admit it. But Caitlin was right. All of this was his fault. Everyone was suffering for his mistakes…  
Joe,Iris and H.R walked off leaving Cisco and Barry behind.  
“Do you have any idea how we can reverse this? How we can get her back?” Barry asked Cisco.  
Cisco still had the same hurting and accusing expression on his face. “It’s like Caitlin said...sometimes when things get broken they can’t be fixed.” He said before walking away.

Barry closed his eyes and leaned against the wall, struggling to hold back the tears of guilt that threatened to spill.  
He stayed like that for a few more minutes before speeding into the time vault and closing the door behind him.  
He then slid down against the bumpy wall. He felt the guilt rising up, threatening to consume him. He needed to release. He needed to feel something else besides guilt and grief and since he couldn’t feel happiness, he would feel pain.  
He pulled his sleeve up and pulled out his pocket knife he kept on him and slid the cool metal across his smooth skin and watched as the scarlet liquid spilled from his wound. He repeated the action until his whole arm was coated in cuts, varying in size, depth and width. He closed his eye and leaned his head back, letting the blood flow, knowing that his regenerative healing would keep him from dying.  
*End flashback*

Barry hadn’t noticed that he was staring at the same piece of paper for the past twelve minutes, he hadn’t heard Julian calling his name until the man snapped his fingers in front of his face.  
“Allen!”  
Barry jumped a little and looked between his work and Julian before speaking.  
“Huh? Oh um… sorry, I uh, got lost in my thoughts. What’s up?” He asked as he pulled at his sleeve a little.

Julian gave him a questioning expression that bordered on concerned before speaking.  
“It’s seven-thirty, works over. Cisco called, said we need to get down to STAR labs.”

Barry nodded and looked back at his work. He was finished, thankfully, he had been staring at a completely blank piece of paper. He hoped that maybe he could shrug this off as an ‘off morning’ But after the flashback, his need to actually feel something was back again and he knew he would need to release soon.  
He got up and grabbed his jacket.  
“Race ya there.” He joked before running off. He hated the fact that he felt nothing anymore. He tried, he really did. He joked and he laughed but all of it was forced and more fake than the designer handbags they sold at the auctions.  
He pushed the thoughts to the back of his head as he ran into the cortex of STAR labs and was surprised to find team Arrow standing there.  
“Hey guys, what are you doing here?” He asked as he looked from them to Cisco who gave a shrug.  
“Don’t ask me, Oliver said he’d explain once we were all here.”  
Barry gave a short nod. He was glad he and Cisco made up, but that didn’t stop the destroying thoughts that ran through his mind.  
‘Cisco hates you’  
‘You killed his brother’  
‘You’re a murderer’  
‘A selfish murderer’  
‘Everyone would be better off without you’  
‘You’ll never be a hero’  
‘KILLER’  
‘BROTHER MURDERER’  
‘YOU DESERVE TO DI-’

“Barry!” Oliver’s voice cut through his haze and he looked up to see everyone staring at him, concern covering their faces.  
‘No… don’t feel bad for me.. I-I don’t deserve it…’ He couldn’t help but think.  
“Dude, are you okay?” Cisco asked.  
“Let me check your vitals, are you eating like you’re suppose to?” Caitlin said frowning as she got a needle and prepared him to take a blood sample.

“He was doing that at work as well.” Barry turned his head confused before seeing Julian standing off to the side.  
When had he gotten there?  
“Barry, are you okay?” Oliver spoke up this time. Barry offered a smile which he hoped didn’t seem off.  
“Yeah. I’m fine. I just didn’t get enough sleep last night. I’ll be fine.” He lied.  
Caitlin ran the blood sample just to be safe.  
“Hm, everything seems to be okay. Eat a calorie bar just to be safe. Please?” Caitlin said smiling. Caitlin’s hair had turned permanently white since the whole killer frost fiasco but she seemed to like it. Barry felt another pang of guilt hit him full force.  
Caitlin had suffered so much because of Barry. He had pissed off Eobard Thawne which caused the man to do what he did which lead to the Particle accelerator being created and exploded in the first place, making Stein and Ronnie get mashed together and given powers they didn’t want. Then, when he was back and they were married again, Barry had caused the giant wormhole that formed over Central city, Making Ronnie sacrifice himself, effectively killing him again. Also Barry’s fault. And then there was Jay, or better known as Hunter Zolomon who fell for caitlin while also wanting Barry dead which lead to Caitlin suffering because everyone hated Barry. And then the aftermath of Flashpoint caused Caitlin to have powers that she didn’t want and couldn’t get rid of. She became something she was afraid of and it was all Barry’s fault.

“Alright. I will.” He said with a soft smile. Caitlin nodded and Barry looked back over to team Arrow. Oliver was still staring at Barry with concern before speaking.  
“Thank you all for coming here. I know it’s short notice but you all know more about these meta-humans than we do.”   
Barry looked over at Cisco who was smirking and Barry knew it was because Oliver was so against calling the people affected by the particle accelerator, meta-humans and it seemed the green archer was finally letting it be.

“There seems to be a metahuman in Starling City, She’s going by the name Vendetta. We don’t know what her power is but at every crime scene she’s been at, multiple people have have committed suicide or killed others then had no idea why they had done it. We were hoping you guys wouldn’t mind helping us.” Oliver finished. Barry knew that the man hated asking for help, even when he needed it. So it had to have been a big problem if the blonde was here, willingly asking for help, that or Felicity convinced him to talk to them.

“Yes!” Cisco shouted with a large grin. “Another all-star team up, let’s do this!” He said clapping his hands together. Felicity gave a grin at the latino’s energetic antics.   
“Though I do call dibs on giving ‘vendetta’ a different name because I could do SO much better.”  
Caitlin smiled at the others before speaking. “We’d be glad to help.” She said kindly.   
After rolling his eyes at Cisco, Julian was the newest to the team and just figured he’d go with it.  
“Yeah, of course we’ll help.” Barry said smiling.  
Oliver nodded “Good. Felicity will fill you in with the details, Barry, can I talk to you for a second?”  
Barry felt his stomach drop and he inwardly groaned.  
‘Why does it feel like I’m being called to the principle’s office…’  
He nodded and walked out of the cortex and down the hallway and out of earshot of the others before Oliver abruptly turned and gave a stern look at Barry.  
“Those were the fakest smiles I have ever seen you give. Tell me the truth.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry if the chapter seemed short. Also, I want this story to be good so if any of you feel like this may be going to fast and that maybe I need to tune back on the pace of the storyline then please tell me, also, if you'd like I am holding open a spot for a beta to proof read my story an to help me out so if you'd like to help out then shoot me message!
> 
> Also, just a note, I will not upload chapters too often, i'll upload as I write so it depends on how fast I write the chapter for how fast it gets uploaded.
> 
> And as I said before, reviews/promts/ideas are all welcome! Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

“Tell me the truth.”

Crap.  
Barry gave a confused look at the archer, hoping that maybe he could pull off lying to the man, he hated doing so. He wanted to tell him, he wanted someone to talk to, he was lonely and hurting. But then the voices came back to his head.  
‘He doesn’t care.’  
‘No one cares’  
‘He’s only making sure you don’t screw something else up’  
‘Or kill someone else.’  
Barry felt his heart pull painfully in his chest at that last one but had to play it off.  
“I promise, I’m fine. I’ve just been really tired lately.” He lied.  
Oliver looked at him long and hard, searching for any sign that the younger male was lying. Barry knew that Oliver would find out if he just left it at that so he decided to add a hint of the truth.  
“I’ve been having nightmares lately about what happened with savitar so I haven’t been sleeping well.” He added. Of course that wasn’t what the nightmares were about, not really. But it was a believable enough excuse apparently because after he said that, Oliver’s expression softened and he gave a small nod.  
“You should talk to someone about this, they’ll only get worse if you keep it to yourself.”  
Barry nodded and offered a small smile to the Starling City vigilante.  
“I will when I’m ready. Thanks Oliver.”  
‘For nothing.’ His inner voice spoke out in his mind.  
Oliver nodded and turned, walking back towards the cortex, Barry following his lead.

“Alright, so Vendetta Hasn’t stolen anything? No robberies, no ransoms or anything like that? She just… kills them?” Caitlin asked with a frown.  
“From what we’ve been able to gather, yes, She doesn’t take anything and often hits in public places, banks, events, restaurants. Anywhere there was a lot of people, she struck.” Felicity confirmed.  
“So, maybe we can all go to Starling, we’ll scope her out and from there we can figure out what her power is exactly.” Barry suggested. Everyone looked at the two vigilantes’ who had just walked back in.  
“Have you tried to run facial recognition for her? Maybe if we can figure out who she is, we can figure out where she is.” Cisco spoke up.  
“We’ve already done that.” Oliver was the one to speak this time. “Her name’s Tonya Smith. She was a-”  
“Therapist.” Barry interrupted.  
Everyone frowned and looked at Barry.  
“Yeah.. actually, she was but.. How did you know that?” Felicity asked.  
Barry mentally cursed himself for having blurted that out. He honestly meant to say it in his head.  
‘Yet another thing you fucked up, so pathetically stupid you can’t even keep your thoughts to yourself.’  
Barry tried to ignore the voice and spoke, trying to explain why he had knew who this woman was. “She was my um… therapist. When my mom was killed-”  
‘Because of you’  
“I was forced to see a psychiatrist and therapist because everyone thought I was lying about the man in yellow, to everyone else, I was either crazy because the event was making me see things that weren’t there or I was lying about it, trying to cover for my dad.” He explained. He would never admit it, because he always wanted to be able to turn the other cheek, but he secretly hated a lot of people. People who were suppose to have been his friends had even turned on him, acting as if he was mentally unstable and crazy.  
He hated the looks of sympathy that everyone was giving him- or was it pity? Either way, he didn’t want to see it.  
Felicity opened her mouth to speak and Barry couldn’t help but think Great, here comes another ‘oh i’m so sorry’ ‘we never knew’ ‘I’m sorry you had to go through that’ and he was thankful when his phone rang. He pulled it out and looked at the number, wondering who might be calling him. He saw it was Iris. He let a soft sigh escape before clicking the answer button and moving out of the cortex so the others couldn’t listen in on his conversation.

“Hey Iris, what’s up?” He asked nonchalantly. Now, normally dating couples would answer with ‘Hey baby, morning beautiful’ or something fluffy like that, but… Iris and Barry weren’t dating, they weren’t married. Not anymore. It was both of their decisions. Iris was still shaken up about finding out that it was future Barry that had tried to kill her. Which made her act cautious… scared, around Barry. And Barry knew he didn’t deserve her and didn’t want her stuck in a relationship with someone she was scared of… stuck in a relationship with a killer.

“Hey Barry I um… I was just calling because I um… I need help moving my stuff out of the apartment.” Iris said softly. Barry couldn’t help the tug at his heart he felt when he heard Iris say she needed help moving out of the apartment.  
Their apartment…  
It took Barry a moment to respond, trying to hold back the emotion he felt from his voice before speaking. “Um yeah, sure. It may take a bit, I’m currently helping Oliver with a meta that’s in Starling. I’ll help you when I can.” 

“Thanks… Bye Barry.” She spoke before hanging up. Barry just stood there, listening to the dial tone of the phone before hanging up on his side.  
He sighed and put his phone back in his pocket before walking back into the cortex with the others.

“Who was that?” Cisco asked, just out of curiosity.  
Barry gave a tight lipped smile before responding. “Iris.”  
Cisco frowned slightly and mouthed the word ‘oh’ before spinning around in his wheely chair.  
Felicity was the first to speak up after that “What’s wrong with Iris?” She asked.  
Oh.. that’s right, Team Arrow didn’t know about Iris’s and Barry’s break up.  
“Nothing’s wrong with Iris, she’s okay. She um.. She asked me to help her move out.” He responded, simply telling them the truth about the phone call.  
It took all of them a moment to process what had been said before their eyes widened slightly.  
“Oh..I’m sorry Barry.” Caitlin said as she walked over and gave him a hug.  
He gave another tight lipped smile “It’s okay.” He lied. Nothing was okay. Not anymore.  
Diggle patted him on the shoulder “Sorry to hear that.” He said, sympathy practically dripping from his voice.  
Damn it! Barry was sick and tired of the sympathy and the pity, he didn’t want it or need it! He didn’t want to be treated like he was fragile glass, he didn’t want them to be nice to him, He didn’t deserve it! Why couldn’t they just hate him? Why couldn’t they hate him and make it easier for him to end his pathetic excuse for a life?  
“We should head over to Starling, get started on finding that meta.” He said wanting to desperately change the subject off of him and Iris.  
The others gave short nods before beginning to gather their things, preparing for a visit to their neighboring city.  
Barry left to go get a few minutes of alone time before they had to leave. Though if he was honest with himself, alone time was the last thing he needed.  
____________________________________________________________________________

Barry found himself once again found himself on the floor, leaning against the bumpy wall of the time vault.  
He held his pocket knife to his pale skin and began to mindlessly slice at his skin as the voices assaulted his head once more.  
‘You kill everything and everyone you touch.’  
‘You break everything, you’re a giant mistake.’  
‘Everyone would be living happy lives if you just didn’t exist.’  
‘Ronnie, Eddie, Dante, Your mom and dad, all of them are dead’  
‘THEY’RE DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!’

Barry swallowed a lump in his throat as he felt a tear slip down his cheek. His voices were right. He brought death and pain to anyone who got close to him, he was a bad luck charm. One that no one deserved to be stuck with.  
‘Soon…’ His inner voice said. And it was right, soon enough, people would get tired of him, they would come to their senses and leave him because if they valued their life or the lives of those close to them, they’d get as far away from him as possible.

Barry sighed when he heard the others calling his name, looking for him. He wiped his blade on the underside of his convieniently red shirt before rolling down his sleeves, letting his fast healing do the work for him there.

Pushing himself up off the floor and putting his pocket knife back into his jeans, he headed out of the time vault and back towards the cortex where everyone was waiting.  
"So, everyone ready to go?" He asked. Everyone nodded.  
"Yeah, where were you? We looked for you for like twn minutes." Cisco asked.  
"I had to run home to get something. Im good now." He lied. He turned to Oliver "you want me to give you guys an hour headstart or want me to meet you there?" He asked with a faked smirk.  
Oliver smirked back thinking Barry was joking "you go on ahead, we need to take cisco and caitlin to get some clothes in case they need to spend a few nights in Starling. You should do the same. Meet outside the ebtrence of Verdant, just make sure you aren't seen."

Barry nodded and sped inti his flash costume, putting all of his clothes into his duffel bag and running off to get more clothes before heading to Starling. Ready to hurry up and get this whole trip over with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here ya go! Hope this chapter kinda evens out the pace a bit. I think it does. Anywho, i'm at a bit of a writers block but hopefully I can get an idea for the next chapter soon. I will be a bit busy this week and weekend but i will update as soon as I can. I do want to say thanks to everyone keeping up witch my story, it means a lot to me that all of you seem to really enjoy my story.
> 
> And, as always. Reviews/promts/ideas are welcome!  
> See you guys in the next chapter!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note. I can't seem to get the itallics to work so Imma use '/' to undicate that
> 
> Also, i made this one extra long to make up for not updating yesterday

Something was definitely up with Barry, He wasn’t sure what, but the speedster was definitely off. He went ahead and sent Barry off because he wanted time to talk to the others, see if Cisco or Caitlin had noticed his behavior. They were all still in the cortex of STAR labs, Cisco was adamant about getting any and all tech he said they might need and Caitlin was setting the lab up to lock up once they were all gone and made sure to bring any medical supplies she could carry, including Barry’s blood she had been collecting for emergencies. Barry’s blood type was O+ so he was a universal donor, he could receive from and give blood to anybody. Julian had left, saying he wouldn’t be able to leave with them but he would cover for Barry at work.

“Cisco.” Oliver decided to talk to first. Barry and him were best friends right? He should know what was wrong.

The shorter latino looked up from some gadget he was fidgeting with, trying to make it fit in his duffel that was already full of random pieces of equipment. “Yeah?”

“Have you noticed that Barry’s been acting a little… strange, lately?” He asked, not sure how to describe the lanky man’s behavior, it wasn’t good, not even in a goofy, awkward way. It was worrying him to no extent. He knew Barry told him it was just tiredness from the lack of sleep due to his nightmares but Oliver’s gut feeling told him that there was more to it.

Cisco’s smile donned down to a worried frown as he looked at the Starling city vigilante  
“You’ve noticed too?” He asked before continuing to speak after gaining a short nod from the blonde.  
“I..I’m not sure what’s up with him lately, I mean, I noticed he acts really skittish around me, like he’s scared or something. I mean, I know I was really harsh to him and I haven’t been the best friend lately but I forgave him, we made up, I thought everything would be okay, I mean, I knew he would act a little weird but…” He trailed off, guilt shining in his dark brown eyes. He had been feeling horrible about the way he treated Barry, the way he kept making smart remark after rude remark at him, even during the alien invasion, he let his anger and grief get in the way of a life or death mission and pretty much guaranteed that Supergirl and Oliver were the only one’s who would have Barry’s back. He had pushed the other man’s self esteem so low to the point he was going to sacrifice himself to save everyone else because he thought no one would care to stop him. It was sad that it took him that long to realize that was he was doing was wrong.

Oliver offered a small sympathetic smile at the man, he knew that look, the look of heavy guilt and knowing that you did something horrible. But he was right, Barry and Cisco had made up, so he shouldn’t feel so guilty about it anymore, just make sure not to do the same mistake twice.  
“I asked him about it earlier, he told me it was nightmare’s making him lack sleep, have you noticed anything specifically strange with him?”

Cisco nodded. “Yeah… he trails off in his sentences a lot, spaces out a lot, like what he did earlier. He… He isn’t eating as much as he should.” Cisco finished, biting his lip. Now, yeah that should be worrying, but it was especially so with a speedster, they don’t eat as much as they’re suppose to, they don’t live very long.

“Have you guys tried to talk to him about his behavior?” 

“Well, yeah, I’ve tried to talk to him about it, he just keeps shrugging it off. He wouldn’t even look me in the eyes whenever I tried to talk to him. Caitlin tried to talk to him when she realized that he hadn’t been eating like he’s suppose to, but he acts skittish around her too. Not like he’s afraid of us, but like he doesn’t want to mess something up around us. I hate it because… because we did that to him… we made him feel like he has to walk on eggshells because of the things we said and did to him… we’re suppose to be his friends and we treated him like the enemy…”

Oliver gave a tight nod. True he had been very disappointed in the way they had treated Barry, The kid just wanted to see his parents alive, he had just lost his dad. Watched him get killed right in front of him, Oliver couldn’t name a single person who wouldn’t do the same thing if they were in Barry’s position. True caitlin was under the control of ‘Killer Frost’ when she said what she had to Barry, but she never apologized for it, making Barry think she meant all of what she said.  
“I can’t say that what you did was ok, but you can make up for it now, While we work on getting this Meta, we all need to pull together to figure out what’s wrong with Barry.”

Cisco nodded, looking down at his feet before returning to his packing. Oliver walked over to caitlin, talking to her about what he had just discussed with Cisco and the now white haired doctor nodded in agreement. They needed to fix their broken speedster before it was too late. But first they needed to figure out what was wrong before any fixing could happen.

Oliver hopped on his bike, The rest of team flash and team arrow climbed into their van and made their way to Starling city. Now with two missions in mind, take down this destructive meta, and make sure their friend was okay.

____________________________________________________________________________

Normal POV  
It took them around and hour and a half to actually make it to verdant, Seeing as they really did have to go get spare clothes for their overnight(s) stay in Starling.  
Barry was waiting outside of verdant like he was told. Despite the air being rather chilly, Barry didn’t bother going inside because he was told to wait for them outside, out of sight, he only came out when he saw that the others were there.  
“Sorry we took so long Bar, Cisco had trouble finding clean clothes.” Caitlin joked giving a warm smile and earning a fainted hurt look from the shorter latino man.

Barry gave a small nod, offering a smile at her joking jab at their friend. “It’s ok.” The tall and lanky speedster replied in a small voice. Everyone noticed that the smile didn’t reach his eyes like all of his smiles use to. But they would fix that. They would bring back the Barry whose smile lit up the room when he walked in.  
The group then walked into the rich man’s nightclub, going down beneath, into the basement which held Team Arrow’s secret hideout. Cisco moved to start placing his gadgets out onto an empty table in his own little form of ‘organized chaos’ while Caitlin began to set up her medical supplies around Team Arrow’s. Barry stayed off in a corner by himself, waiting to be talked to or approached, he didn’t want to feel like he was in the way. He normally was, unless they needed him to save someone or run somewhere, he was pretty much useless, or- at least that’s how he saw it.

Oliver noticed Barry was off in a corner, sitting with one leg pulled up to his chest and the other was stretched out. Barry seemed to be highly interested in the pale, grimy concrete floor, not really spacing out but not all there either.  
“Barry!” The rich blonde called out. Said man looked up to see who called his name before realizing it was Oliver, he got up and made his way over to him.

“Yeah?” The brunette asked with a slight tilt of his head.

Oliver would never admit it, but he found Barry very adorable, a lot like a puppy. All the man needed was a tail and a pair of floppy ears because he had the childlike behavior down pat and his big brown puppy eyes could bring the strongest man to his knees.  
“Why are you sitting over there? Come on, sit over here with us.” He said with a smile, hoping that Barry would accept his offer.

Barry, at first, seemed slightly adamant about staying out of the way, but after a little friendly coaxing, he walked over with Oliver and sat beside him. Barry wouldn’t admit it, mainly because it was highly embarrassing and Oliver could never feel the same towards him, But Barry has had a crush on the rich playboy vigilante for a while. He thought he loved Iris but in time he realized that love was more of a sisterly type of thing, besides, Iris was scared of him now. And for that reason, he could never tell Oliver about his feelings for him, because he’d either be painfully rejected and never be able to face the man again, or he would just put him in danger like everyone else he cared about.

“Okay, so, here’s all that we know on our current target,” Felicity spoke as she held onto the tablet.  
“Her name is Tonya Smith, she was a therapist down in central city before disappearing soon after the particle accelerator explosion.”

‘Great… another person who got affected because of me…’ Barry thought darkly as he looked down at his feet.

“Her last known location was at the Starling bank. Nothing was stolen but there were multiple deaths and injuries. Survivors of the incident reported that they had strong feelings of, well, of any emotion, ranging from hate, lust, depressive thoughts. Practically any strong emotion they weren’t feeling before Tonya attacked.” The blonde genius explained.

“Maybe her power is digging into people's darkest emotions? I mean, a therapist's job is to help their patient realize things and understand their feelings, so what if that was what she’s doing?” Caitlin spoke up.

“That.. actually makes a lot of sense. Maybe she isn’t intentionally trying to kill anyone? I mean, she’s only doing what she thinks is still her job. The particle incident may have left her very confused as to what was happening and with no one there to help her figure things out she may have snapped.” Diggle suggested.

“I knew it, she’s crazy...why is it all the crazy one’s name themselves…” Cisco mumbled, earning a slight glare from Oliver to stay on task.

Meanwhile, while everyone else was discussing the meta. Barry’s mind had long since wandered off, trailing back into his memories while his mind looked for something else to attack him with. This time though, his exhaustion had caused him to fall asleep, back into his world of nightmares.

/

“You killed my brother! You killed Dante and now you’ve killed me, are you happy now Barry?!” A bloodied and beaten Cisco hissed before collapsing to the ground.  
“N-NO! CISCO!” Barry cried out as he ran to go help his fallen friend, but two icicles had been shot into his shoulders, knocking him back and onto the ground. He cried out in pain but looked up to see Caitlin glaring down at him.  
“Don’t touch him! Can’t you see you’ve done enough damage!” She yelled. But her voice was normal, there was no echo in her voice, this was Caitlin talking, not killer frost…  
“W-What do you…?” He trailed off when he lifted his hands. They were covered in blood.

Cisco’s blood…

“N-No...I…” Barry’s eyes widened in horror at the realization of what he had done. No...Nonononononon-

“Yes.” Two familiar voices spoke out from behind him. Barry managed to stand up and turned around to see Henry and Nora Allen. Both still had the bloody wounds on their chests as they stood beside each other, offering kind smiles that were neither comforting or real.

‘M-Mom? Dad?” He asked carefully.

The two dead Allen’s smiles widened “It’s us.” They said in a whispered tone.  
Barry felt as if he may cry, he tried to walk towards them but Henry Allen stopped him.  
“Don’t come near us. You’ve already killed us once, wasn't that enough?” The man spoke out, and while his tone held nothing but hate, he still had that kind smile he always wore making Barry feel extremely uncomfortable.

“No..” He breathed out as more tears began to spill from his eyes. Feeling a strong presence behind him, he turned and was shocked to see almost everyone he knew, Caitlin, Cisco, Oliver, Felicity, Diggle, Lyla, Iris, Joe, Julian, Snart, Ronnie,Eddie, and countless others stood behind him. All of them had gaping, bleeding chest wounds.

“You did this to use, you ruined our lives, you Killed us!” They all hissed at once. Barry’s face shown nothing but horrific fear and guilt. He looked at Oliver, the man he had admired and loved for almost years now, the blonde had cold blue eyes, piercing him with the most hateful glare he had.

“I will never love a murderer like you.” He spat.  
Soon all of them began throwing hateful words and accusations at him and Barry slowly began to back away. 

No..th-this couldn’t be happening...this wasn’t real!  
He looked back at his hands. They were soaked in more blood, the scarlet liquid covered his arms up to his elbows in thick layers.  
His eyes widened in horror as he looked at them, this was the blood of all of his friends and family… He killed them… he killed them all…

“Barry.” Voices spoke.  
“Barry!”  
“No...no no no no no no no!” He yelled as he held his bloodied hands to his head, collapsing to his knees as the voices got louder.  
“Barry!”  
“Barry!  
“Barry wake up!”

/

“NOO!” He screamed as he quickly sat up, taking in deep gasps of breath. He quickly looked around noticing that everyone was looking at him, their eyes full of concern and worry.

He couldn’t help but glance at their chests and let out a soft sigh of relief seeing that they were all still very much alive. He didn’t realize it, but he was shaking so badly, he was vibrating.

“Barry, are you okay?” Felicity’s gentle voice spoke to him.  
Barry’s wide eyes snapped up to meet hers before nodding slightly. “Yeah I um.. I just… I need to get some air…” He mumbled, ignoring the other's gazes as they followed him until he was up the stairs, he hadn’t bothered running, he didn’t bother because if he had… he wasn’t sure he would stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There it is! I hope you like it!   
> Reviews/prompts/ideas welcome!
> 
> Also! I posted up a thing for anyone who has an idea for a story you'd like me to write ^.^


	5. Chapter 5

Everyone looked at each other, too shocked about what had just happened to say anything.  
After another minute or so, Diggle spoke up.  
“What… What the hell was that all about?’

Oliver just shook his head. No one knew what that was. One second, Barry was dozing off, everyone figured it be best to let him be seeing as he said he hasn’t been getting much sleep but after about five minutes of talking, Barry began to shake and mumble in his sleep, everyone paused to see what was going on when suddenly, Barry started to whimper in his sleep, a few tears had even fallen.

Unsure of what exactly had everyone’s favorite CSI and speedster so upset, Oliver tried tapping Barry to see if that would wake up but then the childlike hero began to scream and Oliver was once again, the first to act. He began to shake the man while calling his name, everyone else soon joined to try and wake him when he shot up and yelled as his eyes opened.

Oliver watched as Barry left the room and turned to Cisco and Caitlin.  
“What the hell was that?” He demanded. He didn’t mean to sound so rude and accusing but those two were the closest to Barry, they HAD to know what was wrong.

Caitlin shared a look with Cisco before speaking. “Barry...He...He’s been having really bad night terrors lately a-”

“About Savitar.” Oliver interrupted, remembering that’s what Barry told him. But the look on Caitlin’s face made him start to believe that maybe there was something more to it,

“He won’t tell us what the night terrors are about. All we know is that Savitar isn’t what Barry has been dreaming about, at least not that much.” Caitlin said with worried eyes. Oliver frowned. Barry lied to him? Why?  
“Well how do you know that?” Diggle asked.

“Well, we talked to Barry, and even though he won’t tell us what the nightmares are about exactly, he did tell us that it wasn’t Savitar. He said he didn’t fear him so there wasn’t any reason for him to be having nightmares about him. We tried to trick the answer out of him, but he’s locked up tight.” Caitlin said in her soft voice.

Without saying another word, Oliver got up and walked out after Barry. He was going to get some answers out of that stubborn speedster. Willing or not. Barry was honestly his closest friend, true he trusted Diggle, hell, he knew Diggle longer butm with Barry, everything just…

Clicked.

He trusted Barry with his entire being. Barry was kind, and gentle, and handsome and-  
Wait, did he just call Barry handsome? Hm… guess so. He shook the thought from his mind but it wouldn’t go away. Barry’s beautiful smile was the first thing he saw whenever he closed his eyes. Barry was amazing… He made Oliver see the good in him when Oliver could see nothing but darkness. And now he needed to return the favor. He wouldn’t and couldn’t just stand by and watch the man he loved-

Wait- loved? He loved Barry?  
He hadn’t seemed to realize until now, but yes, The stone-cold vigilante held a soft spot in his heart for his Barry. And regardless of how the other felt back, he would stop Barry from hurting, no matter what.

It didn’t take the archer long to find Barry, he was sitting outside of Verdant, leaning against the wall behind a barrel.

“Bar?” He called out, gaining the other man’s attention.  
Barry said nothing, he just looked up to show that he acknowledged the blonde.  
Oliver walked over and slid down beside him. Looking worriedly at his little speedster.  
“Barry.. What happened in there, are you-”

“No...No, I’m not okay” Barry interrupted. Oliver could almost cry at how broken Barry sounded. The man’s eyes were swole and red, like he had been crying the entire time. Oliver had a sudden urge to hug his Barry. It was heartbreaking to see the innocent, young genius look so broken.  
“’m anything BUT okay.” Barry continued. “But… I...i-it doesn’t matter…” Barry mumbled, pulling his knees to his chest and wrapping his long arms around them and burying his face into them.

Oliver felt a pang of sadness in his heart at the sight of Barry so..down. The last time Oliver had seen Barry, he was smiling, real smiles, he was able to light up the room with his smile, bring up even his moods with his adorable laugh. He was the light in Oliver’s dark world and now his light was nearly dying out.

He lifted his hand slowly before setting it on Barry’s shoulder. The scarlet speedster peaked up from his knees, a confused yet, relaxed look on his face.  
Oliver offered a small smile as he stared into Barry’s eyes. He felt another rip at his heart as he realized how dull those once expressive green hazel eyes were. It physically hurt to see Barry so sad.

“Barry… Talk to me, please. I want to help you but I can’t if you won’t tell me what’s wrong.” He said softly. Oliver wasn’t very good at comforting people, it wasn’t his thing, you need someone to be interrogated or shot in the ass with an arrow, he was your guy. You need someone to talk to and find comfort in? That...that was more Felicity’s thing. But, he’d make an exception for his Barry… ‘his’ Barry. Why did he keep saying that? True he loved Barry, Barry Allen meant the world to him. But… was barry his? The scientist may not even reciprocate his feelings for him, so how could he be his?

Wishful thinking, he guessed

 

Barry, still mostly hidden in his curled up position, stared long and hard at Oliver, searching for any sign that the other was lying, for any sign that he didn’t care and was just doing this out of necessity to get this job done. But after about a minute of just staring at the other, he saw nothing but compassion and caring love in the others eyes.  
“I…” He tried, only to have his voice die in his throat. He swallowed the lump in his throat before trying again.  
“I’m sorry… I-I want to tell you… I want to talk to you because I need someone to talk to but I don’t know how to say what I need to say and it’s frustrating…”

Oliver nodded. “I know how you feel. Not about whatever else you’re feeling. But the feeling of having so much to say and so little knowledge on how to say it. It’s aggravating. And sometimes it only makes what you’re feeling worse. But you’ll know what to say when you’re ready to talk.”   
Oliver immediately felt his heart flutter when Barry gave him a genuine smile.

“Thank you, Oliver.”

“You’re welcome, Barry.”

The two didn’t speak after that, they just sat there, leaning against the wall, hidden behind a barrel in complete and comforting silence…  
Well, at least until his phone rang. It was Felicity.  
He pressed talk and he and Barry listened as the female blonde began to speak.

“I hope you found Barry, Oliver, Because we found our meta.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There ya go! Next chapter should go up by tomorrow unless my writers block comez back. For now, here you are my lovely little readers ^.^ i hope you enjoy the extra amount of fluff i stuffed into this chapter.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so here is the next chapter! 
> 
> I just wanted to say thank all of you that have kept up with my story so far, you have no idea how happy it makes me to see your comments and see how much all of you love my stpry. Thank all of you so much.

“I hope you found Barry, Oliver. Because we found our meta.”

Barry heard Felicity’s voice through the phone. He honestly hadn’t wanted to be found. That nightmare had been too much. He couldn’t believe he had just opened up to Oliver.

‘Why would you tell him that! You IDIOT!’  
‘Even if you tell him everything, it won’t change anything. You’ll still be a killer’  
‘He’ll still never love you.’  
‘You weren’t suppose to tell anyone. Now they all will know that you’re broken.’  
‘They’ll throw you away’  
‘No one wants a broken toy.’

Barry closed his eyes tightly and swallowed before looking back at Oliver who was waiting to respond to Felicity, but obviously waiting on Barry to say if he was ready for this or not.  
He gave a weak nod before looking back at the ground. Regardless of how he felt, they needed to find this meta before anyone else died, his weakness and personal issues could not and would not get in the way of protecting more innocents from being killed.

Oliver seemed hesitant to responding but eventually gave in. “Yeah. I found him, we’re ready.”

“Good. Vendetta seems to be hidden in the abandoned chemical factory on thirty-sixth and tenth.” 

“Got it.” Oliver said as he jumped up and headed back into verdant to suit up. Barry was following behind, looking a lot like a kicked puppy. And while Oliver thought he looked adorable, The sadness and dreariness surrounding the other was not. But he would fix Barry. That he promised.

Barry was already in his suit so he didn’t need to change into anything, so he just stood off to the side, out of the way. Diggle got his gun and checked to make sure it was loaded before standing next to the stairs to indicate he was ready. Oliver grabbed his bow off the rack, along with his arrows and changed into his suit before looking at Diggle and Barry.  
“Ready?” He asked, though Barry had a feeling that the question was aimed more at him.  
‘He knows you’re distracted.’  
‘You’re gonna get someone killed...again.’  
‘He doesn’t trust you.’

Barry nodded, not saying anything, which worried the others. Barry was usually so excited when it came to working with Oliver, he was usually so happy and seeing him so… dull, about the whole situation worried them. They were losing Barry and no one knew how to get him back.

Oliver looked at him but Barry couldn’t decipher the look before Oliver nodded. “Let’s go.”  
The heroes began to walk out. Barry getting ready to run but Felicity’s voice stopped him.  
“Barry.” The blonde spoke quietly. Barry looked over to see Felicity, Caitlin and Cisco all staring at him, worry spreading quickly in their features.  
“Be careful… Please.” She said softly.

‘She doesn’t trust you either’  
‘She knows you’ll mess up’  
‘You always do.’  
‘Murderer’

Barry nodded. It was sad, despite having the words he wanted to say literally choking him, he couldn’t manage to ever say them. All he could do lately was nod and force fake smiles and laughs, and even now the faked laughs physically hurt him to do. It took too much effort.  
“I will.” He lied. He hadn’t been careful for a while. He had gotten reckless, Always putting himself in danger because he secretly hoped that one day, one of the metas would kill him and he wouldn’t have to.

Caitlin and Cisco both gave him pleading looks as he sped out of the room, heading to the location and arriving first. He stayed outside waiting for Oliver and Diggle. But something stirred in his mind. He knew who Vendetta was, and not Just her name, he knew her personally, she had been his therapist as a child. Maybe… Maybe she could help him? Maybe she could fix him before he became broken beyond repair?

He looked down the streets, checking to see if Oliver or Diggle were arriving yet, when he saw they hadn’t. Barry cut off his communicator, he could still hear them, but they wouldn’t hear him.  
Walking into the building as quietly as he could, he began to search for Tonya. But apparently, she found him first.

“Hello, Flash. Didn’t think the Central City vigilante did neighbor calls.”

Barry turned around and looked at the woman. Her voice echoed like Caitlin’s did when she was killer frost. She had long, dark brown hair that was turning gray at the roots. Her face was soft, yet wrinkled from age. Her eyes were a soft grayish-blue color and she was thin and looked so frail. Honestly, she looked like she wasn’t the type to put up fights.

“I’m not here to hurt you Tonya, I… I came because I need your help.” He said in a quiet, calm voice.

This seemed to surprise her slightly. “You...You want my help?” She questioned. Barry nodded “I… You were… a friend of mine… he use to see you every thursday at six o’clock. His mom was killed and he was seeing things. This was when we were younger. He was about eleven years old. He...He said you were a good lady. I need you to help me… Can you help me?” He asked as he cautiously walked closer to the elderly woman.

Tonya stared at him for a moment. “You were friends with Bartholomew?” She questioned.  
“Yes. Barry Allen is my friend.” He lied. He was definitely not friends with himself. There wasn’t a person on this planet he hated more than himself. He was a killer. One that didn’t deserve to be alive, let alone have the friends he did.

The woman stared at him for a few moments longer before nodding. “I can help you. Come here.” She said as she held out her hand. Barry walked closer and the woman placed her hand on his head, the last thing he felt was peaceful numbness as he heard someone shout ‘Flash!’ In the distance. Then, lights out.

__________________________________________________________________________

Oliver and Diggle arrived about five minutes after Barry had.  
“Flash.” Oliver called out in his gruff voice. Hearing no reply from the scarlet speedster, A seed of worry was planted in the pit of his stomach as he began to look around. Still, no sign of Barry.

He looked over to Diggle who grimaced before motioning to the building with his head. “He may have already gone in.” 

Oliver’s frown deepened. What was Barry doing? Was he trying to get himself killed?  
Oliver ignored the small voice in his head that said ‘possibly.’ before heading into the building.

“-He was about eleven years old. He...He said you were a good lady. I need you to help me… Can you help me?” Barry’s voice echoed in the empty building. There were large metal containers of different colored liquids and some were broken and the chemicals were spilled onto the floor. The metal was rusted and the whole buidling looked like one giant safety hazard.

Oliver began to look faster, his bow drawn with an arrow hitched to the string. He tried to follow the sound of the voices but with the echoes sounding out everywhere, it was hard.

“You were friends with Bartholomew?” Oliver head the woman question. As he heard her voice, he noted that the woman sounded older. And maybe arrows weren’t the best solution. He didn’t want to hurt this woman if he could help it.

“Yes. Barry Allen is my friend.” He heard Barry say. What were they talking about? Was Barry trying to trick her? After a few moments of silence, Oliver had almost covered half of the floor, Diggle had split and went to cover the upper floor, see if they were there. He wanted to talk to him through the com system but his voice would echoe and he would be heard and whatever plan Barry was using to get this woman would be ruined.

“I can help you. Come here.”

Okay, Barry was NOT trying to trick her. But why was he trying to get her to help him? How could she do that? Everyone she ‘helped’ was dead or arrested so just what in the hell was Barry thinking.  
Oliver turned a corner just in time to see the woman touch Barry’s head before he fell to the ground.

“Flash!” He yelled out, startling the woman.  
Oliver held up his bow and aimed the arrow at the woman who frowned in confusion.  
“What did you do to him?!” He growled.

The woman held up her hands.  
“Please! Don’t hurt me! I’m only helping him!” She defended.

“Answer the question!” He yelled in warning. He was now only standing about a yard away from the woman.

“I’m helping him! Can’t you see he is broken?” She asked as she turned a worried gaze the the limp form of the Flash. “When… When I touched him. I felt his sorrow. His guilt. Even before I touched him I could see his sadness. Can’t you?” She asked turning her head back to Oliver who held his stoic face and posture, though on the inside his blood was boiling. What the hell did this woman do to his Barry?

“That’s not what I-” Before he could let out another word, Barry began to move slightly. Oliver and the woman glanced down to see Barry’s eyes beginning to flutter open.  
A surge of releif flooded through Oliver but was immediately replaced by worry when Barry got up and began to move towards him, not saying anything.

“Flash, what are you…” He trailed off as Barry walked behind him, grabbing one of the arrows from his quiver. Before Oliver could stop him, Barry plunge the arrow deep into his chest before falling back onto the ground.

Oliver just stared in horror.

/”What happened?”/ Felicity’s voice spoke through his com. Oliver was dead silent as he stared at Barry’s limp form. Barry had...he… oh god…

/”Oliver, what happened.”/ The blonde’s voice repeated, dripping in dread at what Oliver might say.

Oliver turned to the woman once more and let out a feral growl. “WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?!” He yelled. The woman seemed less scared of Oliver now. Instead, she was still staring at Barry’s limp body. 

“I helped him.”

That one sentence pissed him off, far greater than he thought possible. He punched the woman hard enough to knock her unconscious before using a ziptie to cuff her to a pole.  
Diggle had arrived in the room but froze at the entrance as he looked at Barry then to Oliver. Not sure what had happened. Oliver gave him a warning glare that said ‘Shut up, don’t ask, help him.’  
And Diggle did just that. He ran over to Barry and checked for a pulse.

/”Oliver?”/ Felicity’s small voice spoke out again. Oliver grit his teeth before putting a finger to his ear com and replying.  
“Call Captain Lance, tell him we caught her. She needs to go to Iron Heights. Get the med table ready.”

/”Med… Oliver what happened? Is Ba-”/

“Do as I asked, Felicity.” He snarled, not meaning to be so cruel to the woman but what just happened had him scared and angry as hell. Thankfully, the blonde didn’t reply and he figured she was doing as he asked.  
Oliver walked over and picked up Barry’s limp form, his blood soaking Oliver’s hands and arms as he carried him to Diggle’s van. He had Diggle take his bike for him, he didn’t want to leave Barry. So he drove the van with Barry’s bleeding, pale form in the back. Trying to smooth out his turns and not jostle Barry.

‘Please be okay…’ He prayed in his head as he continued to drive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go! Hope this makes up for the shortness of my last chapter ^.^


	7. Chapter 7

Please be okay…’ He prayed in his head as he continued to drive.

Oliver wasted no time. He sped through the streets, taking as many short-cuts as he could. His eyes continued to dart back to the limp, pale body of the man he loved, lying in the back seat, only moving whenever Oliver made a sharp turn or hit a bump.

He was terrified. Barry Allen. The man he loved and secretly looked up to. The man whose smile could light up the darkest of rooms, whose laugh could even make Oliver smile when he was pissed off. The man who never stopped to deal with his own problems and always put everyone else before himself… The man who never stopped moving because he was so full of life and energy… was now lying in the backseat of a van, bleeding and possibly dead. Not moving at all. Oliver would never forgive himself if Barry died. Oliver had a lot of death on his hands. People he couldn’t save, people who he wished he had died instead of them. But he was able to push forwards because he knew he had to, he knew others would die if he didn’t. But Barry… If Barry died… He wouldn’t be able to move on. His whole world would crash down and he wouldn’t be able to process any thoughts or anything at all.

Barry… please be okay…

___________________________________________________________________________  
Barry gasped when he opened his eyes. The last thing he remembered was standing in front of Tonya and then… Darkness.  
He looked around expecting to be back in the arrow cave (He was calling it that and Oliver would get over it, one way or another.) but instead found himself back in his childhood home. Back in his room, on top of his old bed.  
“Am I in the speedforce again?...” Barry asked himself outloud.

“Yes.” Oliver’s voice responded. Barry looked up, very confused for a moment before remembering that the speedforce took form of people Barry knew and cared about.  
“I hope you don’t mind my taking this form. From what I can tell, you care for this one, very much so.” He said giving a warm smile.

“What happened?” Barry asked as he began to stand up from the bed. His eyes clearly showing his confusion on why he was here.

“You’re here due to a few reasons. Reasons we need to talk about. So sit back down.” The form of Oliver demanded. His tone wasn’t harsh, but firm and held… sadness? Why was the speedforce sad? And again, why the hell was he here?  
“What do you remember last happened?” The figure asked.

Barry sat back onto the bed like he was asked before speaking. “I… I was in Starling, dealing with a meta. We were in an abandoned chemical factory and….” He trailed off as the past days events rushed through his head. He was talking to Tonya, asking her for help… she touched the side of his head and he blacked out.  
“I blacked out after the meta touched me…. But that doesn’t explain why I’m here. What happened?” Barry asked, getting very worried.

‘Oliver’ took a deep breath before looking Barry sincerely in the eyes.  
“You’re dead.”

Barry felt all air leave his body. He was dead… he died…  
“H-How?” He barely managed as he looked at the ground, his eyes were filling with tears.

No..H-He was dead… He..He would never see Iris and Joe or Cailin and Cisco or...or Oliver… all of his friends… he would-

‘Isn’t that what’s best?’ His inner voice spoke again.  
‘You’re dead. Everyone else is safe now.’  
‘They’re better off without you’  
‘Isn’t this what you’ve always wanted?’

“Barry!” Olivers voice sounded out through his haze of the voices in his head and his shock.  
“Barry.” His voice sounded a lot softer now that he saw he had Barry’s attention back. “You need to stop.”

Barry gave him a confused look and opened his mouth to ask what he meant but Oliver spoke first.  
“Those things you’re hearing in your head. Those self depreciating thoughts need to stop.” He said, his voice firm as he looked at Barry. Barry couldn’t help but stare into those murky blue eyes. To think, he would never see those eyes again… never… never hear that voice again… never see that rare smile of his or his laugh… he would never know if Oliver loved him back…

“I… I can’t… I can’t stop them… and even if I could… why should I? They’re right…” Barry said in a defeated tone.

‘Oliver’ gave him a look. “Really? How? Explain to me why /you/ think that they’re right.” He challenged.

“I’m a killer… Everyone I’m around dies or suffers because of me. My mom and dad-”

“Who died because of Eobard Thawne and Hunter Zolomon. Not you.”

“I pissed Eobard Thawne off. He came back in time to kill me and instead killed my mom. And I trusted Jay-I mean- Hunter. I trusted him, I let him near me and he found out my weaknesses and because of that he killed my dad.”

“Eobard Thawne killed your mother. Eobard Thawne is not your fault. His actions are his own, not yours. You did not make him kill anyone, including your mother. And the same goes for Hunter Zolomon, he killed your father. Not you. He did it to hurt you.” 

“What about Ronnie? Or Eddie? The last time I was in here, you showed me that Caitlin would have had a baby! Caitilin would have been a mother had I not got into her life. Eddie and Iris would be together and they would be happy but I got them killed!”

“Eddie, sacrificed himself to save everyone he loves, including Iris. Ronnie did the same, to save everyone and to protect Caitlin. Their actions did not fall onto you, they made their decisions. You did not tell them to sacrifice themselves. They made those choices. Not you.”

“Caitlin’s powers, Wally’s powers, Dante’s death, Julian becoming Alchemy, H.R’s death. All of that was my doings.”

“Yes, you created flashpoint, you went back in time to save your mother because you were hurting and broken inside, you weren’t thinking clearly, you weren’t thinking of the consequences because you were dying inside and you wanted the pain to go away. What happened to them, you had no clue any of that would happen. You didn’t know that the consequences would be this bad.”

Barry frowned and looked away. ‘Oliver’ had very good points. But as much sense as he made, it didn’t erase the pain, it didn’t erase the guilt.

“Barry. I understand that you feel guilty for all of those events. But another thing I understand is that the only reason you’re believing these things is because your ‘friends’ treated you harshly. Cisco Ramon was cruel to you, he turned his back on you and made the others do the same. Caitlin Snow, while under the control of her powers alter ego, spoke harsh lies in an attempt to break you. They, along with others, caused you hurt and pain and instead of holding it against them, you forgave all of them but you kept the pain of what they did and said and tortured yourself with it. You have beat yourself up to the point where you /can’t/ feel anything, anymore. You have tortured yourself, physically hurt yourself-”

At that, Barry self consciously pulled at his sleeves.

“You have deprived yourself from feeling any happiness or love that you deserve to feel because you have yourself convinced that you don’t deserve it. But you are wrong. And you need to see that. Now, before I do or say anything else. I want you to swear to me one thing.”

Barry looked at him, during the others rant, he had wrapped his arms around himself, unconsciously comforting himself. It had been the only form of comfort he had because he hadn’t had anyone to comfort him, not because they hadn't tried. But because Barry didn’t think he deserved it, he hadn’t wanted anyone to have to touch him because he saw himself as filthy and unlovable.  
“Yeah?” He asked quietly.

“I want you to swear to me. That you will let someone fix you. I want you to swear to me that you will stop doing this to yourself. Not because your job as the Flash is important. But because you are a very special person, one that the world shouldn’t be without. Barry, there are so few lights like you in the world. If you were to leave then you would only be leaving behind the ones you love in a dark world of their own.” The figure spoke again, looking at Barry and showing nothing but love and honesty.

Barry paused before nodding slightly. “I promise..but… What does it matter now? Like you said… I’m dead… not much good forgiving myself will do here.” He said as he looked down at his hands.

“I know… that’s why we are giving you a second chance."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here ya go my lovlies! I will either update again sometime today or wait till tomorow! 
> 
> Again i just want to say thank you to all of you, your comments make me smile so much and i love reading them and hearing what you think.
> 
> If you guys have ideas or story prompts you'd like me to try to write for you guys, i have another work for you all to comment and give me some ideas. I already have one story on the way and id like to get more in ^.^
> 
> See you in the next chapter!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! Hope you all are enjoying my story so far!

Oliver quickly opened the door to the hideout before almost running down the stairs, Barry’s limp body still resting in his arms.

“Oh my god.” Felicity gasped as she saw Oliver walking forwards, placing Barry’s body on top of the table. Caitlin and Cisco stopped what they had been doing, only to turn and have all the color drain from their faces.

Their best friend… their hero… was lying on a slab of metal with an arrow through his heart.  
“W-What happened…?” Cisco asked slowly as he and Caitlin approached Barry’s body, Caitlin going quickly to get her medical tools she needed and began to check Barry’s vitals and wound.

Oliver was silent as he stared at Barry. Anger and other mixes of emotions clouding his eyes and brain.  
“Oliver,” Felicity said cautiously as she gently laid her hand on his shoulder, snapping the taller blonde out of his hazy state. “What happened?”

Oliver looked at her before staring at Barry again. “I… He…. Barry went inside before we got there… They… they were talking… Barry asked her to help him and… and whatever she did to him knocked him unconscious… when he came to he.... He… G-Grabbed one of my arrows and… and he…” Oliver trailed off, his voice breaking.

Felicity gasped in horror and her hand shot up, covering her mouth as the tears began to flow from her eyes.  
Cisco felt like he couldn’t breathe… Barry… Brave, strong, hopeful Barry… killed himself… Why?!  
Diggle had followed in behind Oliver and had been leaning against the wall, saying nothing. He knew the situation was bad. It was even worse when he saw how Oliver was reacting. Oliver, the strongest man he had ever known, was reduced to a hazy pile of emotions and couldn’t stop staring at Barry’s body.

Barry was so still… Diggle had never seen him so still in his life. Not even when he took naps in the arrow cave. True, that Diggle was still very weirded out over how fast Barry would move, but he would rather see him moving faster than the speed of sound than to see him so still… so lifeless.

Caitlin looked at all of them as they all stared back expectantly. Waiting for her to tell them news… preferably good…  
“He… The arrow went right through his heart… there…. There’s no way he could…” Caitlin was tearing up and her voice was cracking as she stared at the lifeless body of her best friend.

“B-But his fast healing-” Felicity tried.

“Only delayed the inevitable. The arrow pierced a vital vain in his heart and even though the body tried to heal… i-it couldn’t keep up. Plus the arrow was still embedded into his chest and i-it couldn’t heal around it…” Caitlin sobbed as she turned away. She couldn’t handle it. She had lost everyone she cared about… Ronnie, her dad, Now Barry… It was too much… It was her fault… or, killer frost, but she wasn’t going to use her for an excuse as to what she had caused. She, in a way, might as well have been the one to drive that arrow into Barry’s heart...

Cisco had tears freely trailing down his face. He had done this to his best friend… his brother… he was so upset over the death of a brother he wasn’t even close to that he lashed out and lost his other brother… he was responsible for this… maybe not on his own but he had a hand in it…

Felicity was sobbing uncontrollably into Diggle’s arms and Oliver…

Oliver was standing in the same place he had been. Right next to Barry. He hadn’t moved. He was frozen… his body had completely shut down… Barry was lying right in front of him, /his/ arrow buried deep into his chest. The man he loved but never had a chance to tell. He hadn’t realized it, but tears were falling down his cheeks. He took a step forwards, placing a shaking hand onto Barry’s.  
“Bar…. I… I’m so sorry I couldn’t help you… I-I’m so so sorry that I… that I never told you… I… I love you… okay? I love you so… please… do me a favor… pull off one of those wonderful little miracles you seem to always have… come back please… please…” He was sobbing by this point and everyone else in the room were horrified. Their leader… the most stoic man they had ever met, was sobbing and pleading with the corpse of the Central City speedster…

“Please come back to me…” He sobbed quietly. 

 

Everyone took the rest of the day off. Felicity went home and stayed in bed. Cisco and Felicity, after cleaning up their medical supplies and gathering Cisco’s gadgets, prepared themselves to head home and tell everyone the horrible news. Right now they were in verdant at the bar getting as wasted as they possibly could. Diggle went home to Lyla and baby John.

Oliver never left the cave. He was currently burying himself into working out. His body was dying from exhaustion but he pushed himself onwards because if he stopped then he would have to face the pain of the man he loved being dead. He couldn’t do it… He couldn’t let reality sink in… he had to still hope and believe that his light was still there… he had to believe that his world wasn’t going to be forever dark and he had to believe that there was still someone he loved and that he wasn’t just some corpse lying on the table just a few feet away. Caitlin had removed the suit and cleaned him up and put him in civvie clothes.

Oliver risked a glance over to the unnaturally still body of the one and only Barry Allen and saw that he still hadn’t moved. Still shown no sign of life and tears rose in his eyes again which he wiped away and focused turning his sadness into anger which he would beat out on some poor criminal that chose the wrong time to rob a store or mug a man or whatever.  
_______________________________________________

/“I know… that’s why we are giving you a second chance.”/

“Second… W-What do you mean?” Barry asked after a brief moment of silence. 

“We’re giving you another chance at life. But you have to catch that.” The fake Oliver said motioning to a blur running down the street.  
Barry looked out the window before turning back to ‘Oliver’ only for him to be gone. Barry sighed, honestly this whole ‘Catch the blur’ thing got kind of annoying at times. But If he was getting a second chance at life… if he was getting another chance at seeing his friends and getting a chance to feel happy again… a feeling he hadn’t felt for quite a while, then he would do whatever it took.

Barry ran out of the house and headed after the blur. He ran and ran but he wasn’t getting any closer to catching the thing. It soon lead him back into his and… well, now, it was just his, apartment and he looked around only to find Iris sitting on the couch, staring at a picture of her and Barry..  
“You two were very close.” She spoke not turning to face Barry.  
“But you mistaken your love for her as romantic, not familial.” She spoke again. Barry walked towards her and moved to sit beside her. It still hurt to see Iris. He did love her and he made that mistake of loving her for more than she was. She was like a sister to him and Barry was so desperate for someone to love him in a way that was more than a friend that he forced it. And he ruined any relationship she and Barry had.  
“You can fix this you know?” ‘Iris’ spoke again.

This time Barry looked at her with an expression of confusion before realizing what she meant and shaking his head. “No… No I can’t.” He sighed.

“Really? I don’t see why not. You two share a strong connection, and while it may not be the love you wish, it is love regardless. When you talk to her, she will understand.”

Barry paused, taking in her words. Maybe it was possible to fix things… but right now he couldn’t think about that. He had to catch this thing and get home before they ended up burying him alive.

He saw the blur and jumped up, running after it once more.

 

After more running, he began to see a pattern. This thing… the speedforce, they were taking him to different locations which meant something to him. Things that held meaning to him and they were guiding him, showing him lessons that he needed to know.

“I see you’ve figured us out.”

Barry turned around to see himself standing in front of him. But… this was not something he was expecting to see… this Barry… he was duller… more pale. His eyes were red from crying and he just looked so… so broken…

“Wha…” He began but other Barry spoke first.

“This is what you look like on the inside. Broken, pained, sad, angry. Guilty. And soon, if you don’t fix this, you will become nothing more than this, You have carried guilt inside of you for so long that it is physically harming your soul. You blame yourself to the point where you are scared… scared of yourself, scared of what you might become. But what you don’t understand is that from doing this you are only erasing you. You are erasing the happy, joyful, smiling Barry that everyone loves and you are replacing him with a terrified broken version that only brings them sadness and remorse. And only you can fix that. You need to forgive yourself for everything you blame yourself for. You need to learn that you do deserve happiness. You have forgiven the most cruel criminals. But now you need to forgive yourself.”

Barry listened to each word that the mirror immage spoke. And after realizing all too well that he was right. That things needed to change, he smiled. A real, genuine smile that reached his eyes. Only then did the blur stop. And what Barry saw shocked him.   
It was Oliver Queen.

“I understand but… why is he here?” He questioned.

Other Barry smiled before answering him. “He is your happiness.” He said grinning as the real Barry blushed a bright shade of red.  
“I think you’re ready to return.” He said softly before touching Barry’s shoulder. Then darkness covered his vision once more


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chaptee guys. I hope you all have liked my story, i hope you continue to read and follow me as i post up stories and small littel drabbles for all of you love you guys!

Team Arrow and Team Flash gathered in the Arrow cave, one last time for a final goodbye to their dear friend and ally. They decided it was best to say everything they wanted to say here, in the cave where they were all comfortable. Caitlin and Cisco decided to go first.

“Barry was… He was one of the few people I could let my guard down around… He was one of my best friends and… And…” Caitlin trailed off as she closed her eyes and tears fell. She held a hand to her mouth to stifle the sobs spilling from her throat.  
Cisco patted her gently on the back before speaking. “Barry was my brother… At first, he was a really cool science project… Fastest man alive, able to heal fast, run fast, heh… talk fast… But the one thing he was best at was getting into everyone’s heart fast… He became my best friend… someone I trusted more than anyone else… he became a brother to me…” Cisco trailed off as he coughed, trying not to break down into tears. Barry was his brother, and do to his grief and anger he had pushed him away and he lost two brothers. One of those deaths being his fault…

They were silent, signalling they they were done and Felicity decided to go next. “Barry was… He was so… so funny and full of joy when I first met him… he made me laugh… made me smile… he snuck into an investigation that he had no permission being in but he was able to play it off and I remember how pissed Oliver was but Barry still held that same goofy… idiot smile… not letting anyone else’s feelings towards him getting to him…” 

“I didn’t know Barry closely… But… I’ll never forget when I first saw him run… it freaked me out… still does but… I’d rather see him run circles around me than watch him lying so still… he was a good friend… a good soldier… it shouldn’t have come to this…” Diggle spoke as he couldn’t help but feel the guilt that ate away at him. He had a hand in breaking Barry, the man made a mistake that he tried to fix and he had turned his back on him for it…

Everyone looked to Oliver who seemed to still be shell-shocked on what was happening… he was having trouble getting a grip on the reality of the situation and the reality of it was, Barry’s dead.

“Barry… When I first met Barry… he annoyed the hell out of me… But… he grew on me… he could get to me when no one else could… make me see the good that no one else saw… I… I could never admit it… I can’t tell if it’s because of my stupid sense of pride or the fear of putting him in danger but… I... “ He trailed off as he swallowed a lump in his throat and walked closer to Barry. He laid a hand on Barry’s cold, stiff hand.  
“I fell in love with Barry Allen… and I hadn’t realized it until it was too late…” He mumbled with tears flowing freely from his eyes.

No one seemed surprised by that statement, which only made it worse for Oliver because everyone else could see it before he could and it angered him to no extent…  
“Heh… It’s said… I say I love you when you can’t hear me… what the fuck good does that do me now?” He whispered to Barry. Oliver placed a kiss on Barry’s forehead before walking back to his spot. They all bowed their heads for a moment of silence but a loud gasp made all of their heads snap up.

Barry Allen was sitting up, taking in large gulps of air before looking around at the faces of his friends. Part of him felt guilty. But he remembered his promise, He had to stop feeling guilty for everything and he needed to start feeling happy again.  
Their faces were pale and their eyes were glossy as if they hadn’t stopped crying.  
“Miss me?” He said with a soft smirk.

Everyone turned to Oliver who had a look of pure rage. He stepped towards Barry and for a moment, everyone thought he was gonna punch the hell out of Barry.  
“Uh… Oliver?” Barry squeaked but Oliver had cupped the others cheeks in his hands.  
“Shut up Barry.” He growled before connecting their lips. Barry was shocked at first, having no clue what was happening but thankfully his mind caught up and he melted into the kiss, wrapping his hands around Oliver’s neck.

After a minute, Oliver pulled away and his blue eyes connected with Barry’s hazel green. “Never do that to me again.” He warned, but he was too relieved, too happy to sound angry. He loved Barry too much to be angry at him. Soon, everyone else joined them and hugged Barry tightly. Felicity and Caitlin were still crying and Barry had to gasp out that he couldn’t breathe before any of them would let him go.

“Barry… as happy, scratch that, as joyous as I am that you are alive and that you are okay, Why in the hell would you stab yourself?” Felicity asked as she sniffled through the tears, using a tissue to dab at her eyes.

Barry gave a sad smile. “I was broken… I was hurting and after my little trip in the speedforce… I am feeling better. So don’t worry, that isn’t happening again anytime soon.” He said smiling as he hugged the blonde.

Felicity hugged back before pulling away from the hug and punching him in the arm. “It isn’t happening, ever.” She grumbled before pulling him into a hug again.

 

After everyone had their reunion with Barry, they all gave him and Oliver some alone time, figuring they had some things they needed to discuss with each other privately.

Barry was still sitting on the edge of the table swinging his legs while they sat there in silence, Barry was unsure of what to say to Oliver so he stayed quiet waiting for the taller man to speak first.  
He thought they would end up sitting there forever but finally, Oliver spoke.  
“Barry.”

Barry looked up from the floor and looked over at Oliver who gave him a kind smile. Oliver had gotten up and moved towards Barry.

“Oliver I-”

“No, I need to say this. Barry, the whole time I’ve known you, I hadn’t realized how easily you were getting to me. And not in a bad way. You… You brought a light into my life that I hadn’t seen in a very long time. I… I didn’t realize how I felt about you until it was too late. I love you Barry…” The blonde spoke quietly as he stood in front of Barry, looking the other in the eyes, searching for any sign of discomfort.  
“I… I want to say that… if you don’t feel the same I unders-”

Barry cut him off my cupping his face gently in his his smooth hands before smiling at him. “Shut up, Oliver.” He mumbled before kissing the other.  
“I love you, Oliver.”  
“I love you too, Barry.”

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so here is the first chapter, reviews/prompts/ideas are all welcome! This is my first story on this site, hope you all like it!


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